My name is Princess, and once upon a time, I was the Queen Kitty of the Ball Kingdom. But my crown is gone, and my rule is coming to an end.
My balls are gone.
It began a while ago. Once upon a time, my human servants kept a basket full of my balls. On demand, they would come and throw them all for me. I would, at my leisure, bring them back. All was well in the world.
Then the female human started up her bad habits again. This time it was something about some Inquisitor. She has no idea what she's in for if she doesn't get her act in order. What does she need some stupid Inquisitor for? She has me.
You know how it is, just as you think you get your servants properly trained, they go and do something stupid… like work. On things you don't tell them to do.
I have learned the names of these things preventing me from ruling my ball kingdom.
The humans call them books. I have managed to steal away one of them. Apparently, it is called Storm Without End. I also stole away the things she does this foolish work on. I'll teach her not to play with me and throw me my balls. I'll teach her not to replenish my ball supply. You know what a storm without end is? What I'm going to do to those servants if I don't get new balls–and quick.
I have two left, and they are both blue. I know these cheap, lazy creatures could buy me new balls–there is a sacred temple place they go to. They acquire them there. But when I bring the ball to the human, which is absolutely filthy–I mean, doesn't everyone throw balls into the porcelain throne? She gets so worked up about this. Nonsense, really. She threw out the balls I put in the porcelain throne. How dare she!! How dare she!! I brought it to her, partially cleaned, because she was muttering some garbage about how dirty the balls were getting... and she throws them out when I do the work for her! Ridiculous.
In order to evaluate this situation, I have had to do something called math. Terrible, really. Absolutely horrific. What does my servant think I am? Human?
I have done this math to learn how to rebuild my ball kingdom. I want red ones, yellow ones, green ones–all colors! My kingdom is down to two blue balls.
I don't really understand why the male servant started snorting. Foolish humans.
It works like this. The female gets this thing called money when people buy her books. This ‘money' then goes to the cat temple. She picks up new balls from the shelf, and hands the other human servant thing this money.
It worked with the kibble bag. Observe the evidence of the brand new kibble bag. Most importantly, notice how much delicious, wonderful Kibble is present within the confines of the bag.
Thank you, humans-who-are-not-my-servants. Your sacrifice has been noted. You will be rewarded in your afterlives.
Now, back to the issue. With this math, and this money, I will order the human servants I own to go to the cat temple.
I get new balls.
My humans aren't killed in their sleep.
It works well for everyone, right?
My balls need liberated! I cannot rule in such terrible conditions.
So this is my master plan. You look like a cunning human. Much smarter than my servants. Let's face it, mine need so much handling, day in and day out, it amazes me how they ever survived without me. But you, oh you, I bet you'll go far.
I have observed the habits of humans. It seems that when one human tells another human of something, news spreads. I have been spying on this work my human has done, and it seems other humans are actually enjoying this ‘writing work' she does. Frankly, it looks like a lot of muttering, hair pulling, and gibbering for me, but I'll let it slide. This time.
So, human. Using this strange thing called ‘social media', it is up to you to spread word of my plight, my need for new balls, and this so-called new book my female human servant has written, apparently, for lovers of ‘urban fantasy thrillers'. I hear people tossing around murder mystery, supernatural suspense, and some other nifty descriptors too.
But, don't just take it from me. Check out what others of your species have been saying about this book. Now we're talking. This human says something about the book ruining their day, and something about the inability to do anything other than
my human's bidding reading this book.. That's my female human servant! Maybe she learned something from me after all.
Oh, this one looks promising too. This human was compelled into missing several appointments. I approve.
Go forth and share. Make the whole world know of my need for all of the balls!!!