A Play by Play Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey, Chapter Eleven

Fifty Shades of Grey by EL JamesFifty Sighs of Shame, we meet again.

Wait, sorry, Fifty Shades of Grey. By this point, it shouldn't come to a surprise to any of you that this novel is as much as a horror show as ‘everyone' says. That said, I'm going to point out one thing about this novel many people might be neglecting to mention:

It's so bad it's good. Yeah, I went there. It's got a high amount of amusement value, simply because it is that bad. It's transcended badness to epic level, thus becoming something very easy to laugh at. I'd say laugh with, but I'd be happy if the characters were severed into multiple parts, ala Ghost Ship.

Just don't eat the Ana kabobs, I'm not convinced you won't catch a serious and lethal case of stupid.

It's time for a quick recap of the story for those new to this review series.

Ana is stupid. Ana should have died in the hardware store she worked at because she's so clumsy. The saws should have done us all a favor and jumped right off the shelf and ended our misery. Christian Grey, super rich elite guy, falls head over heels for the incompetent Ana and wants to dominate her. Ana can't think of anything beyond how to get into Mr. Grey's pants.

Mr. Grey gets mad when Scum Sucker calls Ana. Scum Sucker attempted to rape Ana. Ana was the first woman Mr. Grey introduced to his mother.

Ana doesn't know how to use the Internet.

There's sex, and it's comedy gold because it's that poorly written. (There are, however, a few interesting things present that might be worth trying.)

If I listed all of the times Ana failed to rub her two brain cells together and get a current going, I wouldn't get a chance to start reading chapter eleven.

As always, there is trigger subjects discussed in this review.

Chapter Eleven

Opening the book helps when trying to read.

117 of 356 pages into the book and I finally get a glimpse of the contract.

I worked a job where my day-to-day responsibilities included reading contracts for stupidity. I don't want to read another damned contract in my life. I want to burn this book with the fires of hell and volcanoes. I want to just chuck my entire computer into an active caldera just to watch it burn.

Do I really have to read this?

What the actual fuck. I mean seriously, what the fuck? Why is this damned thing in here? This is not fun. This is not entertaining. This is an obnoxious waste of my time.

The contract is, I kid you the fuck not, six pages long. I am not reading this. Sorry, I'm not. I scrolled by it. This is so full of pointless jargon that it's not even worth considering as a viable bondage contract (which are non-legal, for the record) as to be laughable, and it's so over the top that the only thing it's good for is kindling.

Here's just a sample of what's in the contract. It goes on and on and on like this for six pages. Did I mention it's something like six pages long? And I'm pretty sure it'd be closer to ten or twelve pages if I were reading on my kindle paperwhite.

16 The Submissive shall not participate in activities or any sexual acts that either party deems to be unsafe or any activities detailed in Appendix 2.

17 The Dominant and the Submissive have discussed the activities set out in Appendix 3 and recorded in writing on Appendix 3 their agreement in respect of them.

My Abyssal army is staring at me, and I can see the question in their big, glittery eyes.

Yes, my preciouses… soon. Soon, I will send you out for the souls of these wretched mortals.

Six pages, people. Six pages.

I'd like to make a note that the safe words chose were the colors yellow and red. These are absolutely terrible safe words. You want something that can't be accidentally used during kinky sex. You know, because a swat with a crop will leave temporary red marks (and potentially non-temporary marks…)

These things are red.

I can't even. What the actual fuck?

On behalf of the entire modern world, Fifty Shades of Grey, fuck you. Fuck you to the depths of the darkest hell you can find. May you be encased in ice for ten thousand years before being dropped into the heart of a volcano and ejected into outer space, where you are subjected to death by collision course with the sun.

The Mac laptop is sleek and silver and rather beautiful. It has a very large screen. Christian Grey likes scale – I think of his living area, in fact, his whole apartment.

“It’s got the latest OS and a full suite of programs, plus a one-point-five terabyte hard drive so you’ll have plenty of room, thirty-two gigs of RAM – what are you planning to use it for?

“Uh… email.”

The tech was ready to weep for the entire universe too.

It only got worse from here, but I figure only one of us (me) needs to suffer.

Do yourself a favor and just skip this chapter together. If you can't skip it, print it, douse it in gasoline, and light it on fire.

She learns to email with Christian Grey, who replies to her for a while. It's coy and it's disgustingly cute and playful, and I want to light them and the advance-released macbook pro on fire.

Sometimes, you just want to watch the world burn, okay? Go ahead and judge me.

So, she goes to work and Scum Sucker gets her to meet with him, and my faith in the known universe is shattered completely.

This is, I kid you not, almost the entirety of her meeting with Scum Sucker. I cut two tiny paragraphs. Because, you know, these were the important ones. You know, after a lot of stalker-style phone calls, calling everyone about her, and otherwise being a true arse.

As we stroll to the local coffee shop, I slip my arm through José’s. I’m so grateful for his – normality. Someone I know and understand.

“Hey Ana,” he murmurs. “You’ve really forgiven me?”

“José, you know I can never stay mad at you for long.”

He grins.

I hate you and everything you represent, Ana. Look at you, graduating from never having held hands to linking your arm with your would-be rapist.

You're insufferable, Ana, absolutely insufferable.

Forgive and forget like this is a great way to end up in a bed you don't want to be on–with someone who won't take no for an answer. There's a point where you need to protect yourself, and doing this sort of idiotic shit is not smart. A lady should be able to wear what she wants without any worry of a man (or another woman) doing anything the lady doesn't want…

… but there comes a point where the lady must take responsibility for her own safety. Sticking around with someone like this is not taking responsibility. Cut that shit out of your life and go to someone who actually respects you.

Even if it's the hardest thing you've ever done, do it. If you need help doing it, be it because you're scared or you feel alone, ask.

There are lots of people, yes, including strangers, who would be willing to help. Help's only a phone call away, and there are lots of programs to help women and men get out of these situations.

I'm not saying it'd be easy–but you are worth it, and don't let any worthless motherfucker tell you otherwise.

I stand by everything I've said before this review: This book is a guide on what not to do if you want to be healthy and happy.

Ana starts using wikipedia to research submissive relationships with a dominant, and thus ends chapter eleven.

I'm so having a soda with dinner tonight. I think I've earned it. But, hey!! Check this out, yo. I survived the chapter with minimal damage to my IQ. Woooohoo!

Hey, like these posts? When I'm not making snarky commentary on books, I'm a writer. Please consider checking out my fantasy (non-erotic, sorry!) titles. Science fiction is coming soon! Buy one (or five…) for yourself or a friend–or if you're super awesome, for yourself and a friend. 🙂

What? If Ana can be so shameless, so can I, right??

Leave a Comment:

Marie Long says February 27, 2015

I will admit, I did like the email conversations back and forth. Especially the subject headers and sometimes Christian would change up his signature to something witty.

The lengthy contract felt like book padding.

    RJBlain says February 27, 2015

    I kinda felt that the email conversation was just… meh. It felt like a gimmick to me. It also felt rather out of character for Christian… and I was so annoyed by Ana at this point, for being so damned mind numbing and stupid. Her reactions to the emails were ridiculous lol

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