A Play by Play Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey, Chapter Seven

Fifty Shades of Grey by EL JamesAh, Monday. We meet again. I see you have already started your shenanigans, presenting me with Chapter Seven of Fifty Shades of Grey. Well, I'm countering your lack of storytelling prowess and broken plot devices with a bowl of rice, pea, and lentil soup.

Yeah, just go suck on some of that, Fifty Shades of Grey.

I'm on day two of cutting out sugary things from my diet. I'm pretty sure this is going to result in me spewing rude things at this novel as I go to read it.

For those just joining me on this horror show thinly disguised as erotic literature, Ana is on a quest to get into Christian Grey's pants as quickly as possible, after having recently lost her hand holding virginity and dodging a rape by one of her friends, who I've taken to calling Scum Sucker.

So far, the only thing abused has been my intellect and self dignity.

We aren't going to talk about what I did to that tub of ice cream yesterday, okay? It'll never be the same, especially not after I dig it out of the freezer promptly after I finish this bowl of soup. That's approximately a minute and a half from now.

Mr. Triple Chocolate Drama will see you now, Mrs. Blain.

As always, this post will be full of rude things, potential trigger subjects, and so on. Read at your own discretion.

Chapter Seven

Previously in Chapter Doesn't-Include-Sex, we were treated to descriptions… terribly boring and mind-numbing descriptions. I'm now being treated to a wall of text about the description of this room. I hate you, Ana. You can use fancy words to describe things, but you can't manage to walk without trying to kill yourself. Why aren't you dead? Why couldn't the hardware store have finished you off?

It’s suede, like a small cat-of-nine-tails but bushier, and there are very small plastic beads on the end.

There are six massive paragraphs with descriptions like this, although this one is the one I'm showcasing, as I had a big spoonful of Triple Chocolate Drama in my mouth, which I promptly choked on.

I read it as “It's suede and smelled of cat piss.” I think this is due to my brain announcing, rather authoritatively, that this is a pretty pissy way to describe a flogger.

Cats of nine tails are not bushy. They're not… I mean… Damn. There's nothing at all bushy about a cat of nine tails. They're often pretty sleek and not much more dense than a whip.

Maybe she meant feather duster? Maybe?

And Christian has just made the offer to make Ana his bitch. I'm not going to sugar coat this in the slightest. And of course, Ana being Ana, has already decided she's going to say yes, despite the hundred and ten alarm bells going off in her head. I think she had to rub together two of her three active brain cells to pull that one off.

The only things offensive I am finding in this book so far include Ana's lack of self preservation, her downright blatant stupidity, and the quality of the writing.

I don't feel Christian manipulated this stupid woman at all. She's been trying to get in his pants quite actively for two chapters. No one deserves to be a victim. Let me state that right here and now–no one, no matter how stupid their behavior is.

But damn, right now… this is a guide of what NOT to do when picking your new male companion.

No, Richard, you may not read over Mommy's shoulder right now. And no, you may not have a single bite of my Triple Chocolate Drama. It's all mine.


“No. I haven’t signed anything yet, so I think I’ll hang on to my free will for a bit longer, if that’s okay with you.”

His eyes soften, and his lips turn up in a smile.

“As you wish, Miss Steele.”

Ana's two brain cells are putting overtime, I see–probably trying to make up for the third one, which has taken up residence somewhere between her legs.

At this stage in the chapter, Ana is grilling Mr. Grey about his love life, particularly in regards to the number of women he has had prior, whether or not he has hurt any of them (a rather direct yes being the answer), and things of this nature.

He even states, as he's showing her the contract, that the rules are subject to change.

I don't believe this is manipulative. I believe Ana is too stupid to figure out what sort of situation she's gotten herself into. This is a fantasy, this is a fantasy, but in my fantasies, I practice the art of defenestration, targeting those who lower the global IQ average by several points.

I am now out of Triple Chocolate Drama. Fuck. Look what you made me do, Fifty Shades of Grey. You made me consume just over 400 ml of chocolate ice cream death.

Repeat after me: This is a fantasy. This is a fantasy. It is not real. That is why it is a fantasy.

In short, don't do this shit in real life, folks–not unless you're actually aware of what you're getting into, and that you and your partner fully agree to it.

This is where they are verbally discussing the agreement and making changes to the terms of said agreement.

Ana informs Christian Grey that she is, indeed, a virgin. He seems quite put out with this fact. This is the first time I've seen Christian Grey step quite so out of character. Apparently he prefers his women well used before he gets them?

Christian, Christian, Christian, it should be pretty obvious that she's never been with someone before. This is Ana. You're smart. Act like it. Of course she's a virgin.

The chapter ended with the revelation that Ana is a virgin.

This has been the shortest chapter to date, and I needed half a tub of ice cream to get through it. At least there was discussion of sex between them? And these contracts are absolutely ridiculous and hilarious.

While there are some cultures of bondage that do this sort of thing, please don't believe all bondage is like this. It really isn't.

The only problem I'm really having with this book so far is Ana. Seriously. That, and the terrible writing.

Dear Hardware Store,

Stop goofing around already, and do something about this! So many chances, and you've let them all escape from you.



I want more ice cream.

Leave a Comment:

1 comment
Sue R Griffin says February 23, 2015

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I love it! And you made to suffer through all that without ice cream =( Think you better buy some stock in Ben & Jerry’s, Blue Bell or Bryer’s, cuz I get the feeling you are going to need A LOT more ice cream before you are finished…and on that note…I am going after some Butter Pecan Ice Cream…though chocolate silk was almost my bitch today!

Add Your Reply