Dear Reader Who Can't Read Filthy Books Without Clean Reader,
You don't know me. I'm 99% sure you've never read one of my books, and I'm 100% sure I never want you to read one of my books. I do, however, have something to say to you and to all of those who are just like you.
You're not a reader I would ever want as a fan.
At this point, if you're overly sensitive and can't handle a very direct expression of opinion, I suggest you look at the below image and walk away while you can. I'm about to do my very best impression of Chuck Wendig.
Dear Reader Who Can't Handle Filthy Books Without Clean Reader,
Please take your fucking hard-earned dollars and shove them directly up your tight virgin ass. With luck, this act will help you loosen up a little bit, although you might want to digest some laxatives first to make the experience a little easier on you. If you don't have any laxatives available, you may wish to visit your local pharmacy to purchase some personal lubricant. If this embarrasses you too much, seeing as they're located near condoms and other similar products, wear a fucking paper bag over your head.
For the record, I'm not against the idea of you using an app that blocks out the filthy words you're incapable of handling like an adult. I am against some third party individual changing the words of my story and selling them to readers who view the titles as filthy. If you can't understand the meaning of a sentence because a word is missing, guess what?
That word was used for a fucking reason. Get the fuck over yourself.
I am proud to be an author.
I am proud of the words I have written.
If you buy a physical copy of my book and deface it, it's your property–that's not my problem. But I will never, ever, ever give you or Clean Reader permission to sanitize my book because you can't handle a few bad words. I will never give anyone permission to take my novel and turn it into something it is not.
My characters use the language they do for reasons. When they're pissed the fuck off and are telling some motherfucking cocksucker to go suck his balls, there's a reason for it.
In case you were in doubt, if this applies to you, I don't want your money.
I don't want you reading my books, frankly. I'm filthy, and I'm proud of it. I'm an author who has made some gloriously filthy choices. I have characters who curse. I discuss brutal rapes and murders in one of my novels–things that are uncomfortable and move the story forward.
These things are difficult to read–and that's the entire motherfucking point! It isn't supposed to be easy. It's supposed to make an impact. And I will never, ever, ever grant anyone the right to alter those words.
Each and every last one of them is important.
If you need a censorship block to read my book, you are not my audience. My works are not for you. I don't want you reading them, because you can't handle what is within those pages.
Please do us both a favor and fuck off. I don't want your business, and you probably don't actually want to read my filthy fucking book anyway. I have exactly one fuck to give you, which will be used to refer you to you, your cash, and the presence of your cash placed firmly up your uptight ass.
When I first read your rant about how you needed Clean Reader to buy and consume our filthy books, I wanted to punch you in the face. Not only that, I wanted to take my bottle of hand sanitizer and squirt it in your eyes. I wanted to do a lot of really mean things to you.
That's not nice of me, but neither is calling us filthy because you can't handle what we wrote.
There are millions of books in the world. Go find a title written for you. There's surely some ultra prissy book written by someone just like you, waiting for you to buy it.
If you can't handle the big, bad motherfucking words, go home. Either embrace the book for what it is or don't. Don't like that sex scene? SKIP IT. That's your choice. See a bad word? Avert your eyes and skip over it. Own a physical copy of the book? You can rip that page.
Digital books aren't physical copies, and it's time you opened your fucking eyes to that fact. You have been given a single copy of the book to read. You have not been given this book to change. Sorry, you weren't given editorial rights to the book. A program that puts a block over bad words and leaves the word intact is perfectly fine. The words aren't being changed.
But the instant you change my fucking words because your pure little virgin eyes can't handle them, I will fight to the death for my book. That is my hard work, my hard effort, and my words–and I certainly did not give you motherfucking permission to shit on them.
That is my career, my life, and my dreams in those pages. I picked those words for that book–and I will stand by them.
You may not like my filthy words, and that is fine.
Take your money, take your time, and take your innocence elsewhere. You're not my audience.
You're not a person I want reading my book. You won't appreciate the experience. You won't be entertained. You will not walk away satisfied.
And before you cry out that I'm here for the money… guess what? I don't want your money.
I want to be paid by people who will genuinely enjoy my stories. I want to be paid by readers who are fans. I want to be paid by those who want to laugh with characters, cry with characters, and hold their breath with my characters. I want readers who feel like they've come away with a connection with me as an author through my words–all of my words.
Okay, sure, maybe I'd love to be ultra rich because all of the people!!! bought my books, but I play the game fair, you know? I got this thing called ethics–and my ethics are not your ethics.
Frankly, I don't give a flying fuck if you can't handle a few naughty words. You aren't my audience. Go find another author–one who thinks more like you do.
That person ain't me, sweetheart. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. You have had your one fuck from me–right up your ass.
Have a good night, and don't let the door hit you as you waddle out with your money shoved up your anal orifice.