RJ’s Free Book Buying Binge (Jan 23, 2017.)

(c) JordyR (Creative Commons – Flickr)

When shit happens, sometimes the best (only?!) solution is to go buy books. When your budget doesn't agree with you (boo) and you've had a bad day, sometimes the only solution is to go buy free books.

So, guess what I'm doing? I'm going to Amazon, braving the murky waters of free books… and going on a book-buying binge.

I'm going to showcase the best of the best… judging from things like cover, cover, and cover–and maybe description if the cover is that intriguing–plus maybe a little bit of title influencing.

I'm also going to showcase the worst of the worst. So, if you want a glimpse into what I'm thinking–and why I end up buying books–stick along for the ride. It's going to get a bit crazy, so buckle up.

You may want to put your drink away, because I am not responsible if you choke on it.

Seriously. I have a habit of making people choke on their drinks.

P.S.: Should you choke on your drink reading this post, please do leave a comment. I keep a tally.

What? Did you expect anything else from someone who is writing a magical romantic comedy with a body count?!

And so it begins.

Keyword: Shifter Romantic Comedy

This is already not going well. The first few books I already have–or are not funny at all. For example: CADE: New Orleans Billionaire Wolf Shifters with plus sized BBW mates (Le Beau Series Book 1) isn't what I'd consider a funny book. Naughty, a bit romantic… but not comedy at all. It's also… a… okay, so I've read this one and I just scratched my head and went “what the fuck?” all the way throughout.

That's all she wrote.

Also, I'm regretting this binge and I haven't even downloaded anything yet.

I get the whole cover art is expensive thing. I don't have this book, but I'm not buying it because of the cover. It scares me.

This cover legitimately scares me.

Mainly because the couple is glowing with a white border while the wolf kinda looks like he has had a stick rammed up his ass.

did mention this was going to go off the rails pretty quick, right?

To be fair, since I spent a bit of time grimacing at the cover, I'm giving the book at least a sliver of a chance here. I'm clicking. Don't hold your breath. (I wouldn't want anyone to die reading this post.)

Okay, I regret clicking. First, the cliches are rampant… and I really don't want to know what the ‘missing key ingredient' is. I bet it's semen. Because it's a short story erotica.

Dangerous waters, any book with ‘shifter' as a keyword…

Next up from the “I just want traffic to my book rather than appropriately using keywords to match readers” department is this book:

Nope. It's a romantic suspense, not a comedy. Because I clicked and I checked.

Come on, authors. At least make some sort of effort.

I want a fix of a comedic book, not an erotica disguised as a romantic comedy. Is that really too much to ask for?

Wait. Yes, it is.

Damn it.

Why can't I ever find what I'm actually looking for on Amazon?

And on book #4, we finally have one that's… almost on target.

I say almost because neither of the main characters are shifters. There are shifters mentioned, and there are shifters in Kristen Painter's world, but the main character and the romantic interest… not shifters.

That said, this book is a bit funny. I've read it. It was all right. I've read others by Kristen Painter.

Not the hahahahah laugh with a little bit of romance I'm hoping for–that, plus I already own it.

I will not lie, this is one I got just because the cover amused me so much. The cover had a decent book beneath it, which just made it a bit better.

I still haven't bought a book yet.

Come on, we can do this Amazon!

And since I literally can't make this up… a screenshot.

Switching Hour I already have… the rest of these books are basically erotica. Obviously, I have found the keyword authors like to do to hide their erotica stories? Nothing against erotica, but that is not the sort of happy I was thinking of when I typed in “Shifter Romantic Comedy.” Come on. Give me a break.

On the first page, I found two books that actually included humor as a primary ingredient.

My blog obviously needs an emoji plugin so I can make an assortment of sad faces.

Oh, oh, oh!

I have been punned and I haven't even opened the book yet! I'm so hopeful! :one click buys free book:

See, punning me is a good way of convincing me that there might be humor in a book about shifters–and considering “dating” is located right in the series name this book might actually give me what I searched for!

I'm not going to hold my breath for biological reasons.

P.S.: You're cute, Mr. Cover Model. You have my permission to keep smoldering on the cover.

I hope this book is actually funny.

Moving on!

I'm seriously conflicted. about this next title.

The… cover.

I am clicking one-click buy now whatever the fuck that button is that makes free books go to my kindle. I'm scared because this cover is… I'm… is that comics sans?

The font choice is making me cringe. But, the cover includes the word ‘hilarious.'

This could mean the following:

A: Reactions to the cover art.

B: The book actually contains humor.

C: I was just cruelly tricked.

Only time will tell.

Next up is Vampire Dead-tective (Dead-tective 1) It's by Mac Flynn.

We meet again, Mac Flynn. Mac Flynn writes erotica. I've never actually laughed at any of the stories I've read by this author, so I put this firmly out of the ‘comedy' section unless old author learned new tricks… but hey. I got nothing against smut. Maybe it'll be funny smut?

The second page of the ‘Shifters Romantic Comedy' had two whole titles that might actually be funny rather than erotica–or… romantic suspenses about bears?

I almost want someone to explain to me why the fuck there are so many (literally) fucking bears in this keyword search.

Onto page three. I'm scared. Hold me. (Side note: I have purchased a few of these free books only because they have really pretty men I want to look at. I like looking at pretty men.)

Holy Shirtless Objectified Batman! That's a lot of half-naked men on page three.

I found exactly one potentially funny book, which I clicked to buy on base principle. Since, you know, it was actually selling what I was actually looking for. Now, that said, it didn't excite me or disgust me, so it's not getting a pretty image. At least it was on topic. Yes, that was its entire sale pitch: it was on fucking topic.

And I don't mean about fucking. But, hey. If you're looking for books about characters fucking, “Shifter Romantic Comedy” is what you want to look for, apparently.

Maybe things will get better on page four?

Annnnd, no. We're into books that are not free on page four. I'm so disappointed right now.

Out of genuine curiosity, I'm going to repeat this experiment, but this time, I will use “Billionaire” instead of “Shifter.” This isn't going to end well. I'm pretty sure it's going to end with my search page being loaded with half-naked men being objectified for a woman's pleasure.

Wait. Now I'm confused. Does that mean this does end well?

Who here is entirely unsurprised by the fact the first result has a man sticking his hand down his pants? Come on, you were totally surprised, weren't you?

I have figured out what I'm doing. It isn't a book-buying binge. It's a scavenger hunt. One where I actually get the genre/type of book I searched for.

We meet again, CADE. Why am I totally not surprised?

Page one … nope.

Page two … one borderline almost funny one. So I'm going to just say ‘yes' on that one just so it's not a total wash.

Page three legitimately had one! Shopping for a Billionaire! YAY! Shopping for a Billionaire Boxed Set (Parts 1-5) is one of my shameless ‘I'm having a bad day and want to read something a lot funny but with actual characters' books. It begins with a boy, a girl, a men's bathroom, a cell phone… and a toilet. I found this book hilarious and worth every penny of the box set. I also can be an immature child with a love of potty humor. So what? It's funny, there is romance.

According to my email, I have ‘bought' seven books.

My binge is really not very binge-like, is it? Rats!

New keyword, because this is obviously not working. I'm just going to go with “Romantic Comedy” and see if that maybe… cuts out some of the erotica? I doubt it.

P.S.: That one page of Shifter Romantic Comedy results? Had a lot of man on man action if that's your thing…

So here I am, scrolling along.. when suddenly… A PAIR OF LEGS AND SKIRT COME FLYING BY. Fully stop.

Title: Wanna Get Lucky?

I'm not sure the character in this book is very lucky if she has been completely cut in half and she's only a pair of skirted legs. At least she didn't lose her heels. It's never good when you lose your heels.

Also, this… is… what… I…

I think I need to go make dinner now. Yes. I'm going to go make dinner now.

(Dear Authors: Let this be a lesson to you. Just because a keyword might give you visibility… sometimes, a reader just wants to fucking find what she's actually fucking looking for.)


Leave a Comment:

Sonja Laughlin says January 23, 2017

I choked on my drink. Three times. And this is why I quit trying to find good free books on Amazon and opted for Kindle Unlimited. I read enough that it’s worth the 9.99 a month.

Denise Fisher says January 23, 2017

Thought this was so funny!

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