RJ’s Free Book Buying Binge, April 1, 2017. (No, This is Not a Joke–or a Drill!)

So many disclaimers, so little time. I'll make a list.

  1. I have a cold. Expect nonsense.
  2. I'm bored. Expect nonsense.
  3. I'm not looking for naughty books, but I will find them. Expect mockery–and nonsense.
  4. I had coffee. Expect the fucking nonsense already.
  5. Who the fuck am I fucking kidding? If you're not expecting the fucking nonsense already, you haven't been paying attention!
  6. CHECK PRICE BEFORE YOU BUY PEOPLE! Seriously. I ain't responsible if you don't pay attention and make sure the books I'm talkin' about are free before you buy them.

Let's begin.

Keyword: Romantic Comedy (Yes, we've been here before.)

Holy shitballs. The first two books on the list are actually romantic comedies. I had to take a screenshot of this, because I fully expect this will be the last time one of my searches goes right. Unfortunately, I've read (and enjoyed) both books.

Unfortunately, nothing of the next two books in line look comedic whatsoever. But 50/50 on the accuracy chart isn't bad for once, right? Now, to be perfectly honest, I preferred books 1-5 the most of the Shopping for a Billionaire series. Number 6 (as listed above) was funny but… it used a lot of embarrassing style humor, and that started to seriously dragging me down. Next in line, Neanderthal Seeks Human is pretty damned funny. It's so quirky and different I couldn't help but like it.

Now, because I'm determined to see if these books actually fit the keyword I searched for…

Nope. Just as the covers suggest, not comedy. Well screw you with a stick, too, buddy.

What the hell!! There's an actual romantic comedy I haven't read! The second Housewife's guide to being an assassin or some shit like that (The Housewife Assassin's Guide to Gracious Killing (Housewife Assassin Series, Book 2)) is free today. Hello, buy now button. Good buy now button. The first one was amusing.

What is this motherfucking sorcery? This… this looks like a romantic comedy. What the serious fuck is going on here? Universe, why you do this? Why you be all nice to me? I am not emotionally equipped to handle success. How the fuck am I supposed to fucking mock everything if you keep giving me viable books to buy? How dare you! Shameless hussy!

Bargaining with the Bride: Honeybrook Love, Inc. Novel One does indeed look like a romantic comedy… and it actually looks like one I'll enjoy. It's a two for two special. I really don't know how to deal with this, except click buy it now and question existence.

Obviously, someone changed the rules of this game, as I found three more books to consider on the first page. Three I haven't read/already own.

Huh. Note to self. Mark the fucking calendar, bitches. April 1st is the day authors put their funny books on freebie giveaways, so it isn't just smut in this category.

I now need to take back every mean thing I've ever said about April 1st. Sorry about that. Really. Keep giving me romantic comedies, and I'll put up with the shitty parts of your personality.

For the record, the three new candidates are “Love's Funny That Way,” “Confessions of a Reformed Tom Cat,” and “Bubblegum Blonde.” The second and third title crack me up a bit. I will probably one-click buy just for that reason alone.

Upon closer inspection, Love's Funny That Way doesn't seem very funny. Confessions of a Reformed Tom Cat seems funny, but if it ain't smut, I'll be very surprised, and I'm not sure what I think about Bubblegum Blonde, except I kinda expect her to get shot at least once in the book. And I'm totally okay with that. I grabbed copies of Tom Cat and Blonde. I eased slowly away from the Love's Funny That Way one. Not up my alley. At all.

I have now clicked to page two, and the waters have grown murky. Hello, smut. We meet again. I am renaming page two to “Aaaaabbbs.” So many abs.

Some of them are rather delicious abs, too. Hey, ladies? Abs on page two of the romantic comedy kindle store search, refine by price low-to-high!

Onto page three. I'm frightened. The first image… is a man… ripping open his poor hoodie? Or is he just wearing his shirt as a demented hat? Why? Why? Why does this cover exist?

Here, let me give you this handy guide to the third page of the romantic comedy search results.

But seriously, dude. Take a look at that Husband Sit's abs. Seriously. LOOK AT THOSE ABS. No, don't lick your screen. LOOK AT THEM. Aaaaaaabs. Also, I'm clicking on that because aaaaabs.

Seriously, page three is wrought with danger. The smut level increases as I scroll down. I'm pretty sure no one ain't wearing jack shit on the one cover. Hey, boys and girls? If you're looking for naughty books, this search page has got your naughty books.

God help me, I'm on page four.

Basically, see the image above for page four… and page five seems to be headed in the same dark direction.

Come on, Authors. Seriously. If you're putting your erotica or ‘romance' in the comedy section, your stud and your lady or your stud and your stud or your lady or your lady or your trois menange ain't doing it right. A good romantic comedy can totally have erotica or ‘romance' in it, but if your focus is on the sex… maybe you should put it somewhere else. Where I won't laugh at you. Because seriously?

I'm kinda laughing at you.

Okay fuck it, I'm not kinda laughing at you. I'm totally laughing at you. And I'm also laughing at the sweet contemporary romances that have found their way into the rom com keyword search, because no. If I wanted a cavity, I'd eat chocolate.

And page six has finished killing my dignity along with a few of my brain cells. Ouch.

But hey, aaaaabs. That said, after seeing three pages of mostly abs, abs basically have the personality as off-white paint drying. Maybe try something–anything–else? Please?

I stand at a crossroads, a very frightening one. What keyword will I try next?

Let's try something a little weird…

Keyword: Steampunk Shifters (I'm kinda worried.)

Okay, I know for a fact this is a genre. Why? I have one called “The Mechanic's Mate” and it's basically the worst book I've read so far this year. The formatting was terrible, the writing was not inspiring, and it basically did absolutely nothing for me while slowly capturing and torturing cliches. But it was steampunk, and it had shifters.

Much to my disappointment, there are two results. Neither are free. So sad.

I did take a look at both titles, but neither interested me. Oh well.

Keyword: Steampunk Werewolves (RJ, thy name is Persistence…)

Ha! Seven pages of results, and some of these books are even free. What do we have here?

Peril. Lots of peril. Lots of KU-enrolled peril.

And we're done here. I just saw a cover so painful I did a full-body twitch. I think I need out of this keyword subject now. Also, I found more smut. Are you surprised? ARE YOU SURPRISED? If you are, you haven't been paying attention.

Oh, a parting note, dude… your abs are not legal in any state, and I should put you under arrest for indecent exposure. Go stand in the corner of my bedroom. Now.

Note to self: Let's just avoid going into the steampunk category again for another year or so.

I'm scared.

Keyword: Comedy Murder Mystery

Oh, the universe smiles at me once again! Apparently, comedy murder mysteries have comedy, murder mysteries… and romance. What is this sorcery?! Now, that said, there is also quite a bit of peril here. Have a little taste of this peril…

Ah, sanity. I had it for a few minutes.

Now, instead of just clicking ‘buy now with 1-click' on all these, I'm actually checking the descriptions. I came across this gem:

So far, it has pretty much sucked.
And unfortunately, it’s about to get worse.

That is literally the opening of the book description. I'm a bit gobsmacked over here, folks. To make things worse, this is not the ‘there be peril right here' book, people. I didn't buy this free book. Some things should be better defined… especially when your first actual tag line is the title of your series. Literally, it read “TITLE OF SERIES IN BIG BOLD PRINT” followed with “So far, it has pretty much sucked.”

Ringing endorsement right there.

Next!

I regret my choice already. In the next offering, a former FBI agent becomes a culinary consultant and an amateur sleuth. How the hell do you become a FBI agent without having sleuthing experience? HOW? I can't. I just can't.

(But seriously, read the requirements on what is involved with becoming an FBI agent. You're something special if you don't come in from already being a cop who has risen a few ranks and spent a few years in the force dealing with investigations because the I in FBI stands for Investigation.)

Yeah, I'm being an asshole, but frankly, stuff like this trips my trigger. It's one thing to be bad at your job, but come on. This combo just seems so wrong to me.

I can't handle any more. The peril was too perilous. But hey, I did get 8 new books to try out after it. Here's hoping I find my next new favorite author!

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One of these Days… | On Writing says April 3, 2017

[…] Sure, I have as much naughty material as the next girl on her kindle. As many of you have seen in my book buying binges, the naughty stuff is everywhere. And how can a girl resist those aaaaabs? Okay, fine, I resist […]

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